HYPERtheticals with Chuck Klosterman

“Think about your life. Think about the greatest thing you have ever done, and think about the worst thing you have ever done. Try to remember what motivated you to do the former, and try to remember what motivated you to do the latter...

How similar are these two motives?”

Chuck Klosterman

The above is, in my opinion, an extremely fascinating query from Chuck Klosterman’s book, “IV: A Decade of Curious People and Dangerous Ideas”. Klosterman (pronounced Kloh-ster-man) is a writer/journalist who has authored six books (both fiction and non-fiction) and countless articles. He loves pop culture and seems to write with the notion that people enjoy reading about topics which they already have an inherent understanding of, as opposed to more fringe-like subjects. Why learn about some obscure movie when you can weigh in on that juicy reality TV show you watch every Monday night? Critics have labeled Chuck Klosterman as everything from “the voice of a generation” to “a sloppy literary pothead”. But the word most thrown around when discussing his work is “curious”. That word will also serve as the basis for this blog post. Of greater interest to me than his books or essays is Klosterman’s extensive array of hypothetical situations. You can actually buy a set of cards containing crazy Klosterman questions called, “HYPERtheticals: 50 Questions for Insane Conversations”. Below are four of Chuck’s HYPERthetical scenarios, one link to the author reading a HYPERthetical himself, and one hypothetical of my own. If you can get past the absurdity of these things, some (like the one above) have pretty important questions at their core (others, not so much).

ONE)     Think of someone who is your friend (do not select your best friend, but make sure the person is someone you would classify as “considerably more then an acquaintance”). This friend is going to be attacked by a grizzly bear. Now this person will survive the attack; that is guaranteed. There is a 100 percent chance that your friend will live. However, the extent of his injuries is unknown; he might receive nothing but a few superficial scratches, but he also might lose a limb (or multiple limbs). He might recover completely in twenty-four hours with nothing but a great story, or he might spend the rest of his life in a wheelchair. Somehow you have the ability to stop this attack from happening. You can magically save your friend from the bear. But his (or her) salvation will come at a peculiar price: if you choose to stop the bear, it will always rain. For the rest of your life, wherever you go, it will be raining. Sometimes it will pour and sometimes it will drizzle—but it will never not be raining. But it won’t rain over the totality of the earth, nor will the hydrological cycle be disrupted; these storm clouds will be isolated, and they will focus entirely on your specific whereabouts. You will also never see the sun again.

Do you stop the bear, accepting the lifetime of rain?

TWO)     At the age of thirty, you suffer a blow to the skull. The head trauma leaves you with a rare form of partial amnesia—though otherwise fine, you’re completely missing five years from your life. You have no memory of anything that happened between the ages of twenty-three and twenty-eight. That period of your life is completely gone; you have no recollection of anything that occurred during that five year gap. You are told by friends and family that—when you were 25—you (supposedly) became close friends with someone you met on the street. You possess numerous photos of you and this person, and everyone in your life insists that you and this individual were best friends for over two years. You were (allegedly) inseparable. In fact, you find several old letters and e-mails from this person that vaguely indicate you may have even shared a brief romantic relationship. But something happened between you and this individual when you were 27, and the friendship abruptly ended (and apparently you never told anyone what caused this schism, so it remains a mystery to all). The friend moved away soon after the incident, wholly disappearing from your day-to-day life. But you have no memory of any of this. Within the context of your own mind, this person never existed. There is tangible proof that you deeply loved this friend, but whenever you look at their photograph all you see is a stranger. Six weeks after your accident, you are informed this person suddenly died.

How sad do you feel?

THREE)     You are offered a Brain Pill. If you swallow this pill, you will become 10 percent more intelligent than you currently are; you will be more adept at reading comprehension, logic, and critical thinking. However, to all other people you know (and to all future people you meet), you will seem 20 percent less intelligent. In other words, you will immediately become smarter, but the rest of the world will perceive you as dumber (and there is now way you can ever alter the universality of this perception).

Do you take this pill?

FOUR)     While traveling on business, your spouse (whom you love) is involved in a plane crash over the Pacific Ocean. It is assumed that everyone on board has died. For the next seven months, you quietly mourn. But then the unbelievable happens: it turns out your spouse has survived. He/She managed to swim to a desert island, where he/she lived in relative comfort with one other survivor (they miraculously located most of the aircraft’s supplies on the beach, and the island itself was filed with ample food sources). Against all odds, they have just been discovered by a Fijian fishing boat. The two survivors return home via helicopter, greeted by the public as media sensations. Immediately upon their arrival, there is an international press conference. And during this press conference, you cannot help but notice how sexy the other survivor is; physically, he/she perfectly embodies the type of person your mate is normally attracted to. Moreover, the intensity of the event has clearly galvanized a relationship between the two crash victims: they spend most of the interview explaining how they could not have survived without the other person’s presence. They explain how they passed the time by telling anecdotes from their respective lives, and both admit to having virtually given up on the possibility of a tearful good-bye hug. It’s extremely emotional. After the press conference you are finally reunited with your spouse. He/She embraces you warmly and kisses you deeply.

How long do you wait before asking if he/she was ever unfaithful to you on this island? Do you never ask? And if your mate’s answer is “yes,” would that (under these specific circumstances) be acceptable?

FIVE)  CLICK HERE - Chuck Klosterman reads his "Jack & Jane Hypothetical"

SIX)     Howie Mandel arrives at your doorstep, gives you a fist pound because he’s a germaphobe, and offers you a deal. If accepted, a tiny computer chip will be planted inside ten heads of your choosing. These heads can be attached to any body, even people whom you’ve never met. There are two different types of computer chips and you may only choose one. The first is placed in the optic nerve and will permit you to see (but only see) anything and everything each of these ten people do, at your leisure. The second type of chip will tap into the auditory nerve and allow you to hear (but only hear) anything and everything that is uttered by, or uttered to, each of these ten individuals. The chosen computer chip will be implanted painlessly, and without consequence, while each subject is asleep. These people will never be made aware of object’s existence nor will the device be detected when passing through airport security.  However, if you take the deal, both forms of computer chip will be lodged inside your own head and ten members of your innermost circle of family and friends will be chosen at random and afforded the ability to watch anything and everything you do at their convenience. 

Deal or no deal? If deal, which option do you choose?

-KK